Everywhere you turn these days it is easy to find a parent ‘getting onto’ their child. Sometimes it’s enough to make a parent stop and think, “Do I sound like that when I am correcting my child?” As a busy single parent it is easy to come across as harsh when correcting your children and even easier to notice all the bad behavior and overlook the good.
What are we telling our children when we ‘get onto them’? We are telling them their behavior is bad, unacceptable, or inappropriate. Ok, well isn’t that our job? Yes, however, if all we do is correct their bad behavior and not praise their good behavior they may feel as if nothing they ever do is good enough.
Will correcting my child damage their self-esteem?
When correcting children it is important to distinguish between correction and criticism. Correction is addressing the behavior where criticism is addressing the child’s worthiness. Inform the child of the behavior that is unacceptable and avoid phrases such as, “why do you always…”, “you are bad for…”, or “that was a stupid thing to do.”
It is important to relay to the child that their behavior is bad or dangerous to themselves or others but it is important for parents to refrain from language that may relay that the child is bad, dangerous or harmful to others.
Why do I always have to repeat myself?
The answer to this question depends on many factors but the overall answer is this… The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time. If you find yourself repeating yourself try something new. Ask yourself – are you correcting the behavior or criticizing the child? Evaluate your correction methods and try new ones if the old ones are not working.
Tips for correction
Check yourself first – are you calm enough to deal with this in a rational manner? If not take a time-out. Send the child to their room (if possible) and take a few minutes to calm yourself.
1. Speak in soft tones.
2. Stop and think before you speak.
3. Use language that corrects the behavior without criticizing the child.
4. Offer acceptable alternative behaviors.
Take time to praise
Mistakes are always easier to notice than good behavior. This is not only true with dealing with children but with other adults as well. It is just as important to praise good behavior, as it is to correct bad behavior. Reinforcing good behavior builds confidence and promotes positive self-esteem.
Tips on praising good behavior
When you come home from a hard day of work let your first words be positive ones. Even if all you see when you walk in the door is chaos find something positive to talk about. Praise your children for something good before you dig into correcting the bad behavior.
Praise efforts even when the outcome wasn’t as good as expected. Sure, we want our children to get all A’s but not all children will but it doesn’t mean they are not putting out the effort. Encouraging the child’s effort rather than criticizing their lack of perfection will help them put forth more effort next time.
Just a side note: When I was a school bus driver one of the saddest experiences I had was when a straight A student refused to get off the bus. This 13-year-old boy was scared to get off the bus because he got a B on his report card. I questioned him because I was afraid that his father may physically punish him but he said he wasn’t afraid because of physical punishment but because his father would call him stupid or worse if he failed to bring home an A. This was a bright young man who I enjoyed many conversations with on our journeys to and from school. I couldn’t imagine why any parent would call him stupid. I wish I could remember his name so I could learn how he is doing now but it was many years ago. I hope he is doing well.
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