Picture was taken Thanksgiving 2006 - the last picture I will ever have of all 5 of my kids together. The oldest was killed two days later.
People have often told me that I should write a book about my life. My first thought is who would want to read about a single mom with five children from five different fathers. After thinking about all my failures I look at my children and realize I must have done something right because they are turning out pretty good. As the saying goes, “the proof is in the pudding.” So, if even just one person can learn from my hard learned insights then the effort of writing my story will be worth it.
Hence… The Unfinished Story (in blog form)
Before I go further I must say this to all who has not had children yet. I share this advice with my own children and any adolescent who will listen. Having children before you are ready is not the end of the world nor is it even close to being the worse thing that has ever happened to me but it has made life more difficult.
Pregnant at 18
I found out I was pregnant at age 18. I had already dropped out of school when I was 16. People may assume the worst as to why and how this all happened but unless you understand human psychology or have walked a similar path it would be almost a waist of my time explaining it.
Being 18, pregnant and working fast food jobs with no family support was and is like carrying a sign that says, “I’m desperate.” However, at the time I did not feel desperate. On the contrary – I felt as if I was on top of the world. I was finally going to have someone to love and accept me unconditionally. (Yeah – ok) for those of you who have walked this similar path you know what I mean.
Married at 19
I married at 19 (no not to the father) and he gave my unborn child a last name. The relationship failed after 2 years. At the time I really didn’t realize that arguing could actually be healthy – at least if you are arguing you are communicating. My parents hid their disagreements (so they thought) but my sisters and I could hear them at night – they would go to the basement but the sound would carry up the dirty clothes shoot to the upstairs.
The memories of my parents arguing in secret haunted me when my husband I started to argue. I didn’t want to live my life arguing – especially in front of my children. The relationship ended because of arguing – more so because we didn’t learn to solve our disagreements – we – or more to the point – I – didn’t have good role models in this area. I honestly feel it is good (to a point) to allow the children to see disagreements in action – assuming of course they see how to solve the disagreements peacefully.
Of course the relationship started great (don’t they all). It was about a year later that insecurities ignited arguments. I felt that it was best to get out while my son was still young so he wouldn’t be subjected to the arguing. I felt this way because – as the story goes – my parents were ready to divorce after I was born but they stayed together for the sake of the child. Two more children were born and the marriage got worse and eventually ended at a very delicate time in my life. I thought it would be easier on my son to end it sooner rather than later.
Looking back this was the best relationship I have had and wish I knew then the things I know now about relationships and disagreements.
Suggestion
At this point if you are reading this and find yourself in a similar situation I would strongly suggest marriage counseling or some sort of class that would enhance your abilities (as a couple) to communicate effectively. Disagreements are inevitable and will happen regardless of how well you get along. Learning how to solve disagreements peacefully is an important key to a healthy relationship regardless of what type – child/parent, boyfriend/girlfriend, boss/employee and even friendships.
What are your opinions about arguing in front of the children? Please share your opinions in the comments section.
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