It is said that many states favor the mother in child custody cases. The mindset has always been that mothers have a greater bond and are more nurturing which somehow is interpreted that they would be better caregivers, where as fathers are more disciplinarians and both are now expected to be providers. Is this mindset a fair one? As with all things this is usually determined by ones perspective. If you have come from a broken home and/or have a variety of friends who have come from broken homes you can easily see the difference in attitudes toward this debate.
Before we go any further into who is better suited to be primary caregiver let us first take a look at the needs of the child after all this is supposed to be about the child’s needs not the parents. With most cases it seems as if it is about which parent is trying to punish the other without any regard to the child’s needs.
- Basic needs – children are unable to provide for their own basic needs such as food, clothing, shelter, and medical care.
- Nurturing everyone needs nurturing even adults, men and women alike. Nurturing is important to ones self-esteem and ability to grow and develop into positive, happy and loving human being. People receive nurturing through caring hugs, daily praise, and gentle guidance. Parents should foster their children’s growth by encouraging them to do well, praising them when they do, helping them develop their natural talents and interest and guiding them to discover new ones.
- Basic education is also part of fostering one’s growth. Even as adults we should learn something new every day. Why? Well here is one very basic reason we set the primary example for our children – children learn best through example. There is no better way to teach our children the importance of education than sharing our love for learning with them. Also learning helps develop new brain cells to replace the ones we destroyed throughout the mistakes of our youth but that’s a new article.
One parent may be better than the other at providing certain needs but mothers and fathers are (typically) equally able to provide for each of these needs, however, this is a lot for any one person to take on and do well. If you are a single parent there is no doubt that you can relate to how tending to all of these needs, albeit possible, can become overwhelming and stressful. Do we stop? No way! We love our children and regardless of how stressful it can be nothing can compare to the end result when we see the fruits of our labor in how our children have developed into strong, independent and caring adults.
Do mothers bond more with their children than fathers? If the father has been there since conception he has gone through everything the mother has maybe not the same but in his own way. He was excited and scared when he heard the news, he went to some if not all the doctor appointments, he cried (maybe not outwardly but definitely inwardly) when he saw each sonogram and maybe he even went to Lamaze classes and was there anxiously awaiting the birth of his offspring while coaching the mother through the process. These events have already buried themselves deep into the heart and soul of the father, which makes his child a tool of devastation for the vindictive mother trying to find a way to get at him. The same holds true with vindictive fathers trying to hurt the mother. It is not the children’s fault that the relationship failed and they should never under any circumstance be used as weapons
The question still remains of whether or not the child has an equal bond to the father. This varies, as each situation is different. Some fathers are away more often than mothers while they work in order to provide for their family. Even though they may be away more the quality and quantity of time they spend with their children when the are able to can make a huge difference in the development of a child’s life the same is true with the mother’s quality and quantity of time spent with the child.
Should custody be determined by who spent the most time with the child? Not necessarily because the quality of time together can become more important than the quantity. If the time spent together was spent arguing with or in front of the child this surely played a negative role in the child’s development.
Would the quality of time either parent spent with the child during the marriage be the same as after the marriage? Not necessarily, because if there is a lot of stress within the relationship between the mother and father, this could affect how each parent interacts with the child. Once the stress is removed from the situation the interaction between parent and child could improve.
Assuming the child was conceived within the bonds of a relationship both parents should automatically have equal rights and responsibilities to and for the child. When two adults agree to join in a relationship, whether they have married or not, they have a moral, if not legal, obligation to each other, to the child and for the child they bring into the relationship. If one chooses to leave this relationship he or she needs to realize the devastation that could be caused to the child by removing one parent from his or her life. For this reason and all the reasons stated previously the custody of the child should be equally shared for the child’s sake.
If indeed there is a valid reason, other than just wanting to hurt the other parent, one parent should not be in the child’s life then these issues need to be brought before a judge and criminal charges should be pursued. If the allegation does not warrant criminal charges then most likely they do not warrant having the person removed from the child’s life. Nobody is perfect and we are all vulnerable to making mistakes. If we were to punish every parent for their mistakes when a child was involved nobody would have custody of their own children.
Now what if one parent wants to move away from the other? Then the parent moving should evaluate their reasons and figure out if their reasons are worth the damage it will do to the child as well as themselves because they lose time with each other because one parent should not have the right to take a child a way from the other parent. Remember just because the parents were unable to work out their differences does not mean the child should be punished. If the two adults can’t find a way to co-parent efficiently they have a moral obligation to seek out counseling rather than punish the child for their own failures.
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