When adults decide to bring children into their lives they decide (or should) to put the children first. Many would say, “Yeah, in a perfect world.” This world is far from perfect but there are things parents can do to make it better for their children. This does not necessarily mean they have to create a child centered life but they do need to put their children’s needs first before their own wants. Remember, adults chose to bring children into this world the children did not choose to be here.
Although the family is a team and if they pull together as a team their chances of survival are greater but when do adults rely on children too much? Parents tend to depend on their children to provide daycare, maid service, and sometimes provide a shoulder to cry on. Children should be taught responsibilities and how to stand by each other but to place too many responsibilities on a child is not fair to the child nor is it healthy for the family.
Example one: Two parent home with both parents working full-time. Children are all in school during the day and come home to do chores, homework, and maybe get time to spend with friends. Mom and dad come home and while mom cooks dinner dad might tinker around the garage or the yard. After dinner mom and dad both sit in front of the television while the children clean up the dinner mess, do other chores, and do homework. Mom and dad think that they have done their fair share by going to work and now they are too tired to do anything else.
What is wrong with this picture? Their children are not their maids. Yes, mom and dad worked all day but so did the children. Their job was to go to school. Family chores should be done by the family together so once they are done everyone can sit down together and do whatever. Nobody should be sitting down while others are working. This creates unnecessary tension in the family.
Example two: Single parent home with parent working a full-time job during the day and a part-time job in the evenings and on weekends. The oldest child is at least 15 (old enough to care for the younger children) and not only watches over the younger children but feels the need to discipline them as well mainly because oldest child gets blamed for everything the younger children do wrong. Maybe the older child does not feel the need to discipline but instead does all the chores because the younger ones will not do their share and the older child does not want to take the heat for the work not being done. This example does not even go into all the things these children are doing that they shouldn’t be doing because of any real structure or supervision in the home. What this example does show is how tension can develop between the siblings. Siblings should protect each other from outsiders not their own parents. Nor should one sibling be put into a position of authority over the other siblings. Although a sibling may be old enough legally to watch over the younger children this does not mean it is what is in the best interest of the family.
One suggestion would be for the parents to find jobs that allow them to be home when the children are home. At least within a few hours after the children are home. What about in the summer? What about single parents? In a perfect world at least one parent would be home with the children at all times – if not a parent but a responsible adult such as a family member. This is not always possible.
Ever go to a parent-teacher conference and ask yourself is that MY child you are talking about? Children tend to behave better in school. This is because children need structure to keep their minds occupied on positive things. When left alone without proper guidance, as many children are so their parent(s) can work, they tend to get into trouble. During those times when there isn’t adult supervision available there should be structure. The parent(s) should plan out the day for the children to include a lot of positive activities to keep their minds busy. This can include chores but should include at least just as much, if not more, fun activities to keep them happy and not bored.
Another suggestion is to create a list of rules and consequences for each of the children that are fair to all. Neither of the children should be burdened with the responsibility of the actions, or lack of, of another child. Each child should be responsible for their own behavior. Not only will this prevent unnecessary tension between siblings but may also promote the concept of working together as a team among the children because hopefully neither child wants to see the other get into trouble.
Last but not least, children are not supposed to be their parent’s friend or confidant. Adults should find other adults to lean on and not their children. Although adults are human and children need to see that they are human they don’t need to hear many of their concerns or secrets. This is too much information for their young minds to properly comprehend even the older children. Adults need to be approachable to their children for them to feel as if they can talk to the adults about anything. Adults need to be the rock for their children not the other way around.
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